We live in a topsy-turvy world. News articles have reported that Michael Vick has found Jesus. Since the popularity of the atheist tomes by Hitchens, Harris, Dennett, and Dawkins, I would have called on these defenders of Darwin and the no-God hypothesis and pleaded for evolutionary understanding rather than Jesus since He’s no longer in style. Given the present religious climate, I would have counseled Vick to argue in the following way:
“Animals kill other animals. So I killed some dogs. Animals killing other animals happens every day. We humans are animals according to evolutionary theory, and evolution is taught as scientific fact in our nation’s public schools. Why don’t you arrest wolves when they kill sheep? How come animal slaughter houses aren’t shut down? I know, it’s because these animals are killed ‘humanely.’ Give me a break. Many of you eat pig meat for breakfast. Pigs are smarter than most dogs. I saw one report that claimed that pigs have the intelligence of a three-year-old human child. It was Harry Truman who said, “No man should be allowed to be President who does not understand hogs.” There must be something special about a porker for someone like Truman to say this. What if we set up slaughter houses for cats and dogs and killed them ‘humanely’? Unwanted children up to three years old might make for some tasty burgers. Why shouldn’t this be OK given the dictates of evolution and the nearly majority opinion among scientists that God does not exist? Think about it. This is what science tells us.
As you might suspect, I’ve had a lot of free time since I am not permitted to play football. This has allowed me to devote some time to reading. I came across the following in support of my present argument: “If mine is a pig’s destiny, why may I not hold this ‘pig philosophy’? Again, if I am but an animal refined by evolution, I am entitled to live an animal life. Why not?”[1] I concur: “Why not?” A television special titled “The Trials of Life” used the following advertising copy to promote the six-part series: “Discover how similar the face of nature is to yours. The way you love, the way you fight, the way you grow, all have their roots in the kingdom we all live in: the animal kingdom.” As Time magazine put it, “science has long taught that human beings are just another kind of animal.”[2] We’re just one big animal family. On the evolutionary hierarchy, I just happen to be on the upper end. As they say, “It’s a dog-eat-dog world,” and I’m the top dog.
You spent your tax dollars educating me in the public schools. It’s been said that our students are not learning what they’re being taught. Now we learn that when a person does master his lessons, we put him on trial. We are here today because some strong ancestor eliminated a weaker ancestor on the evolutionary tree. We are proud of our evolutionary heritage. Look how far we’ve come due to the elimination of so-called “weak links.” How can I be faulted when I followed the science of evolutionary fact—not theory—that I was taught in school?
One last thing. I just read that a National Football League team, the Jacksonville Jaguars, through its foundation, has donated more than a quarter-million dollars to Planned Parenthood over the past three years. Killing pre-born babies is moral according to the NFL,[3] but killing a few dogs is not?
Wouldn’t you just love to hear Michael Vick make these comments? I know I would.
Footnotes:
[1] Robert L. Dabney, “The Influence of False Philosophies upon the Character and Conduct,”Discourses, 4 vols. (Harrisonburg, VA: Sprinkle Publications, 1979), 4:574**
[2]** Michael D. Lemonick and Andrea Dorfman, “Up From the Apes: Remarkable New Evidence is Filling in the Story of How we Became Human,” Time (August 23, 1999), 51.
[3] Jim Brown and Pete Chagnon, “NFL franchise accused of aiding abortion industry” (August 27, 2007)